What Depression Felt Like To Me

Guess the best way to do this is to nip it in the bud. I have been suffering from depression for the last 4 months ‘medically’. But from what I have learnt over the past few months, is that I have probably been suffering from depression for the last 4-5 years and blaming it on ‘my personality’.

I spend a few days feeling really ‘happy’ and then suddenly, like a storm.. I feel really ‘down’. I pretty much go through this cycle once  or twice a month. Sometimes I’m depressed for a day, and sometimes longer.

This isn’t a cry for help, because I don’t want your help. I don’t want you to tell me ‘it will be okay’, or worse – ”it is all in your head’. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me – don’t give me any sympathy. All I want is for you to understand and not think “well, there she goes again,” when I distance myself from you.

I know exactly when I am going to fall into a depressed mood, I can literally pin point the moment. It is the moment, a dark cloud sits over my head and I can’t help but throw myself into this darkness. It is almost as though I love it and cannot escape it even if I wanted to.

I don’t want to talk to any one, I don’t want to do anything. I want to lie in bed, and ride this mood out until it stops, until my brain stops enjoying the sadness that I am in.

I just want to scroll through social media, and see my friends/family all enjoying life and having fun. I like going on Facebook and seeing how everyone else is having a great day. I like going on Instagram and seeing the pretty pictures my friends are taking. I like going on Snapchat and seeing every one live their life, whether they’re working, out with friends or out for dinner.

But do you know what I also do? I look at my the pictures and think ‘why am I not there?,’ ‘why am I not as pretty as her?’ and ‘I wish I could do that’.

This then throws me into a deeper, dark hole. All I want to do is cry. I want to cry because my brain is telling me that I am supposed to be sad, and I don’t know any better.

When I am depressed, it can last up to a five days. That is for me any way, my record was five days of feeling this way.

I’m okay when I go to work, because my brain is distracted. But, sometimes it gets to the point where at 5pm, when it is is time to go home, that I don’t want to go home. Why? Because I am scared of having to go back to feeling this way.

I know the routine; drive home, have dinner, get ready for bed and then lie in bed. Lie down and think about how sad I am.

There is no escape for me, even if I tried. I can’t read a book, I can’t watch TV. All I want to do is sit in silence, on my own and scroll through social media. I don’t want to talk to any one. If anything, this is prime time that I shut myself out from the world, because I don’t have the strength to talk to any one. I feel like a zombie.

I’ve never felt more alone than when I’m depressed. I guess it is my own doing as I shut people out. I don’t ‘open up’ about my feelings out of pure fear I am going to be judged or looked at differently.

You might think I have nothing to be depressed over, and you may think I’m simply over reacting. But lets be honest, you don’t know what is going on in my head. You wouldn’t want to know. Why would you want to be sad all the time? Why would you want a self-esteem as low as mine? Why would you want to feel so alone… because I feel alone a lot.

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